Which lane am I in?

Last Tuesday at 7am, I found myself on a virtual job interview for an HR contract role. As I got up (earlier than I have done for a while it’s fair to say) I started asking myself how this had happened. It’s only been 2 months since I left work. Wasn’t I meant to be taking a break? Isn’t the plan to do my own thing for a while? Do my coaching course, relax, read books, master the French classics? (Boeuf Bourguignon done by the way – followed by a pie made with the leftovers the next day!)

But do plans ever go according to… plan?

Leaving a role I loved, a team of people who inspired me every day and a company I’d known for an entire decade has proved harder than I expected, and in ways I didn’t forsee. It’s a funny thing – I do not miss the company, nor the job itself. I’m relishing the head space, the lack of stress and late night calls. I am missing my colleagues because they are friends and we were a huge support to each other. But I have been missing something else, and it’s taken some time and soul searching to identify what that is.

Ed gets up early every morning to work on his new business, yourboard.co – he’s on calls with his business partners, clients and very focussed. I have been enjoying lie-ins, cooking Ed an omelette after he’s already been working for 2 hours and then trying to find jobs to do, or jobs that I can delegate to Ed (usually the ones that require a better grasp of the French language than I yet have). I have also been doing my coaching course with Coaching Development (www.coachingdevelopment.com) which is hugely rewarding and challenging, as well as providing the amazing opportunity to have coaching sessions which has exposed something important for me.

Whilst I am 100% confident that leaving my job and Hong Kong was the right decision, I am less confident about my ability to make a success of having my own business. This comes in waves, but it’s clear that the corporate environment that I was so ready to leave provided something I didn’t know I’d miss, until now and the lack of it is resulting in a bit of a confidence crisis!

Every day I was at work I had tangible achievements. They were not always huge or game changing, but I’d have a few good meetings, a great 1:1 with a team member, a coaching session with a leader, a meeting with my wonderful Asia HR Leadership team. All of this served to reaffirm that I was good at my job and that I was valued (most of the time anyway!) Without these regular touch points, and without any formal work as yet, I am having to rely on getting this positive affirmation from myself, and Ed (which he does all the time I should add but he’s biased). I am having to find fulfilment in different things and change my expectations of what ‘achievement’ in a day looks like.

I’m getting there – a tangible achievement in itself. Spending the afternoon making a Boeuf Bourginon, and Ed’s very positive feedback, was a great achievement. Driving to our local supermarket on my own, and spending hours (literally) going up and down the aisles with the trolley in one hand and google translate in the other trying to ensure i’m buying yeast not baking power, natural yoghurt not something entirely different, smoked haddock (hmm, this one threw me. Haddock is Eglefin… smoked haddock is ‘haddock’ – the fishmonger smiled at me kindly). Not to mention having a chat with the lady at the checkout about the weird rules in the supermarket – one can buy a cake tin but no plates, matches but no candles. That was an achievement. I’ll admit that we’ve agreed I probably shouldn’t go to the supermarket too often on my own as I get a bit overexcited and come back with a little more than what was on the list! On the flip side, we’ve also agreed it’s important to have a few hours apart so that we do have stories to tell each other!

Whilst perhaps not obviously related, these experiences have buoyed me. They’ve served as a reminder that I can do new things if I have the right mindset. So, in pulling together a pitch for this job, and figuring out what on earth I should charge, I channelled that mindset, and sent the hiring managers a proposal that I felt proud of. I may not get the job, and that’s ok. It has been a valuable process regardless.

This wobble has, unsurprisingly, appeared at the same time as us finally moving to the village where we are buying our new home on the same day that France went into full lockdown. All the plans of getting into French lessons, starting to get to know the community and making friends, not to mention seeing our friends and family across the channel, have been put on hold. We are incredibly fortunate to be on lock down at Coutillard – in a fabulous cabin in the woods. Our hosts, Nick and Pippa, are completely wonderful and could not have given us a better welcome to the village in these weird circumstances. We were nervous about making the move and worried that leaving our rental in Beziers would be too unsettling in amongst everything else. However something told us to go ahead despite the looming lockdown. There is not a doubt in my mind that we did the right thing.

As I told my coach one day – nerves can be healthy. Not feeling overly confident isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I’m learning not to let the nerves get the better of me and to embrace the unknown a little bit more. That’s what this journey is all about after all.

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans” – John Lennon

À bientôt!